every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
