stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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