you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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