i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
