I just pynch a tree in the face
Don't make out with my wife yet
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
