Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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