I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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