Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
