I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
