you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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