Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
