I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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