She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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