I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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