I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
