I haven't been this sober since birth.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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