My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
