Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
