He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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