I puked a lego.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
