Jerry, you need to find god
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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