I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
