I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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