Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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