five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm really busy with my period
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