how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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