WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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