What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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