Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
