Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
