Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can vaginas get frostbite?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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