He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
