if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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