I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my poor anus
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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