You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
