Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
