my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
