he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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