zippers are such a cool invention
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
