Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
