3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
