Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
