Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We're too hungover to prance.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
