NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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