I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
