I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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