I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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