I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
