You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
