My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
40s are totally the cure
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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